Part Too

Man I am totally psyched about tonight. Seriously, I don’t think I’ve been this antsy ‘bout anything since I found that wallet on Union Street a coupla years ago. There wasn’t any cash in it or anything, but I did find a unopened condom in one a the pockets an’ it still had three days before it’s use by date!!! But the reason why I’m so excited about tonight is because tonight’s a big night down at the Silver Fish - it will be the pub’s first annual karaoke night.

The karaoke thing was kinda my idea. Ernie was trying to come up with ways to bring in more business an’ give the place a bit a class. An’ I said ‘hey Ern, howabout a karaoke night?’ An’ the rest is history. Hell, I probably saved the place from bein’ shut down an’ brought out an’ turned into a Yates’ or a Weatherspoons or some kinda gay bar. Y’know, chances are I probably saved ol’ Ernie’s life. Wonder how much I’ll get in his will.

Anyway even though it was my idea, we all said we’d chip in ta get this thing going. Ernie said he was gonna make some calls to hire out a karaoke machine an’ stuff. The two old geezers (don’t know their names –something like Don an’ Ron, or something) were gonna make the flyers an’ pass ‘em out. Ned the ned said he was gonna get us some free advertisin’ space, though he didn’t say where. An Doris the whore was gonna tell all her customers to come to the Silver Fish an’ check it out. Also, we thought it would be a cool idea to offer up some prizes –y’know for the evening’s best singer an’ all that shit. We didn’t really know what we were gonna put up for prizes but Ned said he’d take care of it.

My job was to make up a banner an get the balloons an decorations an’ stuff. Easy enough; there’s a party supply store across the street from my office, so I just stopped in there after work one night an order the stuff I need –balloons, streamers, confetti, an a big-ass banner that’s gonna go right across the stage; actually, it ain’t so much a stage as a cleared-away area where the snooker table an’ a couple a empty crates used to be….an, uh, excuse me, gotta take a dump. Back in a sec.

***

Okay, I’m back. Sorry ‘bout that folks but I really needed ta go. I mean really, ya should’ve seen it. Sucker was huge; one of those really long ones too – like a giant brown cucumber.

Anyways I ordered all the stuff a couplea days ago, so’s it’ll be ready for tonight. I just need to pick it up, which I’ll do this afternoon on my way to the Silver Fish. I got my outfit picked out, too.

I invited my sister an’ her husband, Joe, to kinda help make up for settin’ fire to their couch a coupla weeks ago. Joe didn’t want to go at first, but my sister talked him into it. She said it would be rude for them not to go since I was obviously tryin’ ta make amends by inviting ‘em. Besides, Joe could do with some cheerin’ up; he’s been kinda bummed this week ‘cos somebody broke into his car an’ stole his golf clubs.

I’m tellin’ ya, they’re in for a treat. ‘Cos they’ll get ta witness the finest karaoke performance ever given by man. For starters, tonight, I’m wearing this sparkly shirt and a pair of black slacks. I got them outta ASDA ‘specially for tonight. They’re a bit snug, to tell tha truth, but so what? The tightness will accentuate my rather generous package – so’s I only hafta stuff one pair a socks down my trousers instead a two.

But never mind the outfit, really, tonight’s about the music. The song. No, make that THE song. The song I’ve chosen for tonight’s performance is none other than “Escape (the Pina Colada Song.)” by Rupert Holmes. The songs’ about a guy that doesn’t wanna bang his girlfriend anymore so’s he decides to put an ad in the paper an then some chick answers the ad but it turns out to be his girlfriend. So’s they go home and have sex because they both like pina coladas. It’s a perfect karaoke song ‘cos it’s got a nice beat an the lyrics tell a story. I’m telling ya, Rupert Holmes is a genius. No one else will think of it either, they’ll probably all do some stupid song by Frank Sinatra or Nickleback. I’ve been practicing this mother fucker for days. The chicks’ll cream themselves when they hear me. I’ll be getting’ all kindsa pussy after tonight. Yeah, I’ve definitely got this karaoke contest in the bag. I’m sure to win first prize, whatever it ends up being. (hope it’s an Xbox or a Wii, ‘cos if it’s another Anne Summers voucher, I’m gonna be pissed.)

Anyways Ernie’s expecting me to be at the Silver Fish with all party supplies in about an hour so’s I need to go an’ get ready. Come back tomorrow an’ I’ll fill you in on what happens –assumin’ I’m not still fighting off the babes.

*For more information on Rupert Holmes and the Pina Colada song, go to www.ruperholmes.com. Or check your local library.

**Escape(The Pina Colada Song) and other hits can be found on Rupert's landmark album -"Partners in Crime."