God am I ever hung over. What a night,I tell ya. My sister was hosting a bridal shower for one of her pals at the house last night, which meant that me an' Joe, her husband, had to amscray.

Too bad. I was hopin' to catch some of that hot-bridal shower action. Not that my sister's pals are supermodels or anything, but there's a few that I could see becoming "Mrs. Brad Hassebrock no. 4," and with an upcoming wedding to remind some of those hags just how single and lonely they are...well some of them might just be that desperate, y'know what I'm sayin'?

Anyways since all the men of the house had to leave, I asked Joe if he wanted to go check out this new bar called the Drop. Joe wasn't up for it. He just rolled his eyes and mumbled something about already havin' other plans. I don't know what's up with this guy. He's always saying he's got other plans, and he never invites me along. What a asshole!

Anyways I grab a couple of beers outa my minifridge while I'm gettin' gussied up. I put on my navy blue turtleneck sweater and brown courdory jacket. You can't go wrong with that comibnation. Then I tie my hair back into a ponytail and put in my hoop. I'm tellin' ya, wimin wet themselves when they see a guy with a earing, 'specially a hoop.

So, I walked into the pub at about ...ohh half past eight thinkin' the place would be wall-to-wall with chicks, an' you know what? It was fuggin' dead. The only other people in there besides me was the bartender and a couple of young dudes - i think they mighta been gay coz they were sittin' across from each other in a booth, talkin'...probably talkin' bout how gay they were.

Anyway, even though the place was dead. I thought what the hell, maybe it'll pick up. So I ordered a pint a Stella and drank it at the bar. Then I ordered another. By my third pint, I noticed that the place had picked up some.

Alright, this is more like it, I thought.
Then this chick sat next to me at the bar. A real knockout. Young, probably early to mid-twenties, with dark brown hair and a nice ass. I said "hi." She smiled and said "hi" back. She wanted me, I could tell. I was gonna order her a drink, but I saw she already had a full bottle of Bacardi Breezer, so I thought I'd wait till she finished it and make my move.

But then guess what. Some dude shows up they start talkin' like they already know each other. A young guy, too, probably the same age as the girl. They start kissin' an' stuff, right there in the goddamn bar! Can you believe that? What a slut, right? Gettin' it on with some dude you just met at a bar- what kinda chick would do that? I woulda told that guy to piss off, 'cause she was with me, but then I figured that chick probably had AIDS or something, what with all that getting it on with strange guys.

Anyway, I left the bar and went to the bathroom to drain the vein. The bathroom had that smell that all men's bathrooms do ...a combination of brocoli an' athlete's foot. An' even though the place had opened only a week ago, there was already graffitti all over the stalls.

The place was now asses to elbows, an chicks were everywhere. Problem was none of 'em were alone, they were all with guys...well all the good lookin' ones anyway, and the one's that weren't with broads that were even uglier..an' meaner. So I decided it was time to split.

I walked down the street to a place called the Lumberjack. This place was much better...it was teamin' with babes, and better yet, hardly any guys wit 'em.

I sat at the bar and ordered another pint of stella with a whiskey chaser. The bartender was a babe. She had a couple a' tatoos an' a piercing on her eyebrow. I think thats sexy. She looked at me kinda funny, too. Probably checkin' me out, thinkin' that maybe Brad Pitt just walked in. Yeah, I get that a lot. Guess me and him share more than just the same first name.

Anyway, I downed my drinks and ordered another pint. I was pretty buzzed by now. Then this chick came in an' sat down next to me. She wasn't the best looking babe in the joint, but she her hair cut short into this sexy little doo and a pierced nose, an' some ginormous hooters. Plus, she looked kinda familiar to me, but I couldn't place her face. I was gonna order a drink for her so I said something to her...don't remember what it was, but it got her attention. She looked at me an' nodded. She said something to me, but all I could think 'bout was getting my hands on those fantastic fun bags a' hers. Without even thinkin' bout it, I just made my move...well, sometimes ya gotta do it.

The next think I know, I'm lying flat on my ass with my jaw stingin' like all hell. An' lookin' up I see that chick's face...red as a beet.An' then it dawns on me, where I've seen her. It's Sharon, the bitch who ran off with my Brenda, my second wife! Then I look over and see Brenda standing rith there beside her! Then it dawns on my why there are so many women in here an' hardly any guys. At this point the bouncers come over and ask me to leave. No problem, I don't need this shit.

I stumble outta the bar and see a gang of neds dressed in tracksuits nearby. They're holding cans of cider and Tennent's Superlager and pointing and laughing at me. The oldest one is about 16.
"Oi, ya dobber, wha ya daein' in a dyke bar?" he shouts.
"Aye, he's a poof," says one of his friends and they all start laughing.
I try to tell them what happened using the best "ned" voice I can muster, but I've spent so many years trying to copy the accents from American television shows that I can't speak even a lick of my own accent anymore.
"Uhh, look boyos it's like this, see.."
They all start laughing at me.
"'Boyos?' aye, he really is a poof. A right perv, but."

Then they all start chasing me. The finally catch up with me two blocks up the street and when they do, they steal my trousers and shoes.

It's three am and all the pubs are lettin' out. I have to walk home in my underwear freezing my ass off and people pointing and laughing at me the whole time. Finally, a bum sees me and feels sorry for me, so he gives me a bottle of Thunderbird. He had only had two sips so the bottle's nearly full...full enough for me to forget the rest of my way home.

Anyway, I'm home now. Today, I'm just gonna take some painkillers and lie in bed. It's cold as hell in my sister's basement, so I'm wrapped up nice and snug in my blankets. There's some pasta salad leftover from my sister's party last night so I might have some of that later.